Most beautiful things start with a dream. Most little girls I know start to dream about their weddings in elementary school, maybe before.
Their moms dream, too. And their grandmothers dream of the day they'll see their darlings in a white dress and veil. The dads and granddads most likely rue the day they'll be called upon to give that darling child away in marriage and pay to do it. But those former dreams, the girlish ones, are the stuff fairytales are made of.
Monday, February 22, 2016
Thursday, February 18, 2016
Chapter 12: the best advice of all
I save the best for last. Think of this as the wedding cake chapter. My advice here is not about choosing a cake. By now, you know I'm going to say that's the bride's job and unless she specifically asks you to choose the cake, you are going to pretend or maybe you going to convince yourself somehow that a three tier different shaped cake with a gold mid section beats a tone -on- tone monogrammed number any day of the week.
This is about you getting a piece of cake (even a sliver if you can't make yourself eat a big ole' hunk) and you are going to look around at the face of your child and her beloved and all the people who are their to witness their union and you are are going to know that all the work and worry have been worth it.
Yep. It's like that moment when they put a new baby in your arms, flesh of your flesh and bone of your bone and at that moment, you don't think of morning sickness or stretch marks or counting contractions. At they moment you savor... You drink it all in. This is your moment, just as much as it is the bride's. Revel in it.
Kick off your shoes and dance (even if someone is recording it) or hug someone (maybe someone you wanted to choke just early) even if you are not a hugger or an otherwise touchy person.
What I am saying here is that at the event itself, do everything you can to celebrate. Actually enjoy the thing. There are things you can do to free you up to be able to do this.
One example from my own experience: we paid a caregiver to come and stay with our eldest daughter, who is handicapped, so that she would be well taken care of but by someone other than the Hub and me or members of our family, freeing everyone, including her, to enjoy the festivities.
One last story as I close. A friend told me that she was crushing blocks of frozen punch when they came to take her down the aisle at her daughter's wedding. There was no time to check her lipstick or do anything else without holding up the wedding and its party.
My point it, this delightful woman has enough family and friends and has helped out enough people just within my knowledge of her, that someone else could have been crushing that frozen punch. Whether she did not ask them or did not let them is of no import. This poor soul was so exhausted she could not enjoy the wedding.
Don't let that be you; not when its time to celebrate!
The End
This is about you getting a piece of cake (even a sliver if you can't make yourself eat a big ole' hunk) and you are going to look around at the face of your child and her beloved and all the people who are their to witness their union and you are are going to know that all the work and worry have been worth it.
Yep. It's like that moment when they put a new baby in your arms, flesh of your flesh and bone of your bone and at that moment, you don't think of morning sickness or stretch marks or counting contractions. At they moment you savor... You drink it all in. This is your moment, just as much as it is the bride's. Revel in it.
Kick off your shoes and dance (even if someone is recording it) or hug someone (maybe someone you wanted to choke just early) even if you are not a hugger or an otherwise touchy person.
What I am saying here is that at the event itself, do everything you can to celebrate. Actually enjoy the thing. There are things you can do to free you up to be able to do this.
One example from my own experience: we paid a caregiver to come and stay with our eldest daughter, who is handicapped, so that she would be well taken care of but by someone other than the Hub and me or members of our family, freeing everyone, including her, to enjoy the festivities.
One last story as I close. A friend told me that she was crushing blocks of frozen punch when they came to take her down the aisle at her daughter's wedding. There was no time to check her lipstick or do anything else without holding up the wedding and its party.
My point it, this delightful woman has enough family and friends and has helped out enough people just within my knowledge of her, that someone else could have been crushing that frozen punch. Whether she did not ask them or did not let them is of no import. This poor soul was so exhausted she could not enjoy the wedding.
Don't let that be you; not when its time to celebrate!
The End
Wednesday, February 17, 2016
Chapter 11: discuss solutions amongst yourselves
I've hinted at the bridesmaid's dress debacle. It was one of those moments of major crisis I've warned you to expect.
The bride tracked that particular order with some zeal.
When she learned it would not be arriving in time, she was naturally upset. We all threw out solutions that mostly frustrated her further and made the situation worse.
If we had all set down together and brain stormed or at least discussed options, a solution could have been found quicker and much less painlessly.
It was the groom, who was not so close to this particular forest as to be unable to see that it was not quite the disaster it appeared to be. Clearly he had been around enough twenty somethings (including his sister, the sisters of friends and his own fiancee') and their text abbreviations to know that some things follow others.
"What about LBD's?" he asked. "Don't all of you have an LBD?" referencing the classic and basic "little black dress."
"Well, of course," the bride-to-be answered. And so the simple solution to what appeared a disaster was born. The bridesmaids wore LBD's they already had and it result was splendid and painless.
Note: Chapter 10 was all about including the groom and I started to include this story there, but it was just too good not to make into a chapter of it's own, albeit, a short one. The solution could have come from any of the group of us attempting to pull this epic wedding off in record time. In this case, though, the credit is his.
The bride tracked that particular order with some zeal.
When she learned it would not be arriving in time, she was naturally upset. We all threw out solutions that mostly frustrated her further and made the situation worse.
If we had all set down together and brain stormed or at least discussed options, a solution could have been found quicker and much less painlessly.
It was the groom, who was not so close to this particular forest as to be unable to see that it was not quite the disaster it appeared to be. Clearly he had been around enough twenty somethings (including his sister, the sisters of friends and his own fiancee') and their text abbreviations to know that some things follow others.
"What about LBD's?" he asked. "Don't all of you have an LBD?" referencing the classic and basic "little black dress."
"Well, of course," the bride-to-be answered. And so the simple solution to what appeared a disaster was born. The bridesmaids wore LBD's they already had and it result was splendid and painless.
Note: Chapter 10 was all about including the groom and I started to include this story there, but it was just too good not to make into a chapter of it's own, albeit, a short one. The solution could have come from any of the group of us attempting to pull this epic wedding off in record time. In this case, though, the credit is his.
Thursday, February 11, 2016
Chapter 10: include the groom
that story about the bridesmaids dress debaucle, guess who solved the problem?! It was the groom.
I was shocked that he came up with a simple solution.
The picture here is of he and the best man (who is also his best good friend) spray painting pillars for the altar area. They were troopers. He brought a sense of fun and relaxation to the whole equation.
His demeanor was as laid back and happy as the rest of ours was stressed. He had a positive effect on his bride and on her mother.
The idea that the groom just clean up, dress up, show up and stand up (somebody said that was his only job) was not how it worked in our case.
His participation when it came down to it, was major, and so was his contribution.
At one point in the planning stages the bride, only half jokingly, put me on a point system. I called it
"the strike system" because she said if I got three of them, she was eloping. Thankfully, that idea was abandoned at some point but it should have been replaced by a point system similar to the one I had for my kids when they were little. A good job, a good grade, a good deed, got them a star on our homemade chart and stars could be redeemed for prizes.
On that basis, the groom has any number of points to trade in at whatever point he desires.
I am pretty sure the bride drug him along at times, but no matter, while he was there he was a great help. I can't believe that came as an after thought.
I was shocked that he came up with a simple solution.
The picture here is of he and the best man (who is also his best good friend) spray painting pillars for the altar area. They were troopers. He brought a sense of fun and relaxation to the whole equation.
His demeanor was as laid back and happy as the rest of ours was stressed. He had a positive effect on his bride and on her mother.
The idea that the groom just clean up, dress up, show up and stand up (somebody said that was his only job) was not how it worked in our case.
His participation when it came down to it, was major, and so was his contribution.
At one point in the planning stages the bride, only half jokingly, put me on a point system. I called it
"the strike system" because she said if I got three of them, she was eloping. Thankfully, that idea was abandoned at some point but it should have been replaced by a point system similar to the one I had for my kids when they were little. A good job, a good grade, a good deed, got them a star on our homemade chart and stars could be redeemed for prizes.
On that basis, the groom has any number of points to trade in at whatever point he desires.
I am pretty sure the bride drug him along at times, but no matter, while he was there he was a great help. I can't believe that came as an after thought.
Chapter 9: What will wear you out
I've already discussed what a lot of work I've seen weddings to be. This chapter/post is not about physical fatigue. This is all about emotions.
I am talking about short fuses and major frustration. Some of this angst is likely unavoidable, but where you can avoid it, my best advice, it to avoid it, for everyone's sake.
My major frustrations (what wore me out) usually regarded either the previously discussed lack of communication or a sudden change of plans. It is that latter part that is my focus here.
I will own that part of the problem here is me and my own personality bent toward seeing a thing through once it's decided. I tend not to be flexible or fluid in ways my own mom, my husband and several of my good friends are. Make a plan and stick to it could be my nickname.
So, when suddenly the placement of the the tables or who would be at the wedding site to receive the flower delivery changed, I didn't handle it well.
I am a planner and a list maker. It is not yet mid February yet I pinned a fall decoration I fully intend to use seven or eight months hence on Pinterest last evening. I have been accused of writing things on one of lists only to be able to mark it off. These are not exaggerations and I reiterate them to set the point that I needed to have been way more flexible (there's that word again) than I was or found myself able to be.
The bride delayed making many decisions because she simply did not have the time and opportunity to make them ahead of time. She really didn't want me or anyone else making them so many of the decisions were made last minute or forced upon her.
The details, usually my favorite part of any endeavor became burdensome, mostly because there were so many of them. When details (or large things, for that matter) go ignored or just undecided, chaos is inevitable.
My best example of this is the bridemaid's dresses. We looked at any number of them at bridal shops when we were shopping for the bride's own attire. The one bridesmaid that was with us at the time was not so much in the mood to try on dresses as to see bridal gowns tried on, that being the whole purpose of the trip.
We texted and emailed pictures of dresses back and forth for weeks. It was finally decided that the quorum of attendants who traveled to Dallas for the bachelorette weekend could try on and select dresses while they were there.
For a variety of reasons that didn't happen. We were back to picking out gowns we thought would flatter everyone and sending them to the location nearest them to be tried on and hopefully, purchased.
In the end, the dresses ultimately ordered arrived some ten days AFTER the wedding. That they were first back ordered and then for some reason hung up in customs somewhere made for ever so much anxiety for this mother-of-the-bride. This is the kind of thing, that will, to quote my mother-in-law, "smooth wear you out."
Try to avoid that happening, for everyone's sake.
I am talking about short fuses and major frustration. Some of this angst is likely unavoidable, but where you can avoid it, my best advice, it to avoid it, for everyone's sake.
My major frustrations (what wore me out) usually regarded either the previously discussed lack of communication or a sudden change of plans. It is that latter part that is my focus here.
I will own that part of the problem here is me and my own personality bent toward seeing a thing through once it's decided. I tend not to be flexible or fluid in ways my own mom, my husband and several of my good friends are. Make a plan and stick to it could be my nickname.
So, when suddenly the placement of the the tables or who would be at the wedding site to receive the flower delivery changed, I didn't handle it well.
I am a planner and a list maker. It is not yet mid February yet I pinned a fall decoration I fully intend to use seven or eight months hence on Pinterest last evening. I have been accused of writing things on one of lists only to be able to mark it off. These are not exaggerations and I reiterate them to set the point that I needed to have been way more flexible (there's that word again) than I was or found myself able to be.
The bride delayed making many decisions because she simply did not have the time and opportunity to make them ahead of time. She really didn't want me or anyone else making them so many of the decisions were made last minute or forced upon her.
The details, usually my favorite part of any endeavor became burdensome, mostly because there were so many of them. When details (or large things, for that matter) go ignored or just undecided, chaos is inevitable.
My best example of this is the bridemaid's dresses. We looked at any number of them at bridal shops when we were shopping for the bride's own attire. The one bridesmaid that was with us at the time was not so much in the mood to try on dresses as to see bridal gowns tried on, that being the whole purpose of the trip.
We texted and emailed pictures of dresses back and forth for weeks. It was finally decided that the quorum of attendants who traveled to Dallas for the bachelorette weekend could try on and select dresses while they were there.
For a variety of reasons that didn't happen. We were back to picking out gowns we thought would flatter everyone and sending them to the location nearest them to be tried on and hopefully, purchased.
In the end, the dresses ultimately ordered arrived some ten days AFTER the wedding. That they were first back ordered and then for some reason hung up in customs somewhere made for ever so much anxiety for this mother-of-the-bride. This is the kind of thing, that will, to quote my mother-in-law, "smooth wear you out."
Try to avoid that happening, for everyone's sake.
Wednesday, February 10, 2016
Chapter 8: when to step up
Having just talked about stepping back or stand down, I must follow that advice by saying there is also a time to step up. There are just some things that are important enough to stand one's ground regarding. Case in point: (in our case) ushers.
The further we got into the actual execution of wedding plans, the more the bride used the words "simple" and "elegant" more often.
That meant, not nearly as much greenery or adornaments as I had hoped for. (much of which had already been procured,) Say it with me: it was not my wedding!
So, I stepped back and back and back and was proud of myself. I ran into a lady whose daughter went to undergraduate school with the bride. She said (and her daughter agreed) that, as the mother of the bride, she claimed all the say in all three of her daughters' wedding. I'll admit to being a little envious, still I held my backward stance.
The bride and groom drew their attendant line at four each. Another four (albeit smaller and possibly easier to deal with) folk
would carry rings and deposit rose petals along the aisle. No ushers. No more people to buy gifts for or invite to the rehearsal dinner or plan around. Read: deal with. Seemed rational to me at the time. The bride (a new attorney) can make excellent argument.
I'm going to cut to the chase here and say: sometimes you are going to need to step up.
Insist. Counter-argue and basically stand your ground.
This is especially true of things that are dangerous. (In our particular case nothing comes immediately to mind but danger is what would get my children spanked when nothing else would, so I throw it in the mix here.)
What does immediately come to mind is the matter of ushers.
We needed them.
Members of the family stood up while seats reserved for them (unbeknownst to them) sat empty. There was confusion and congestion that any or all of the cousins of the bride and/or groom could have remedied. It would well have been worth adding a table or two at the rehearsal and a gift or four to commemorate their service. I would have and should have offered to cover the cost as it would have been well worth it.
But I was so stuck on the "not my wedding" mantra that I forgot to exercise my maternal privilege. I wish I had.
The further we got into the actual execution of wedding plans, the more the bride used the words "simple" and "elegant" more often.
That meant, not nearly as much greenery or adornaments as I had hoped for. (much of which had already been procured,) Say it with me: it was not my wedding!
So, I stepped back and back and back and was proud of myself. I ran into a lady whose daughter went to undergraduate school with the bride. She said (and her daughter agreed) that, as the mother of the bride, she claimed all the say in all three of her daughters' wedding. I'll admit to being a little envious, still I held my backward stance.
The bride and groom drew their attendant line at four each. Another four (albeit smaller and possibly easier to deal with) folk
would carry rings and deposit rose petals along the aisle. No ushers. No more people to buy gifts for or invite to the rehearsal dinner or plan around. Read: deal with. Seemed rational to me at the time. The bride (a new attorney) can make excellent argument.
I'm going to cut to the chase here and say: sometimes you are going to need to step up.
Insist. Counter-argue and basically stand your ground.
This is especially true of things that are dangerous. (In our particular case nothing comes immediately to mind but danger is what would get my children spanked when nothing else would, so I throw it in the mix here.)
What does immediately come to mind is the matter of ushers.
We needed them.
Members of the family stood up while seats reserved for them (unbeknownst to them) sat empty. There was confusion and congestion that any or all of the cousins of the bride and/or groom could have remedied. It would well have been worth adding a table or two at the rehearsal and a gift or four to commemorate their service. I would have and should have offered to cover the cost as it would have been well worth it.
But I was so stuck on the "not my wedding" mantra that I forgot to exercise my maternal privilege. I wish I had.
Monday, February 8, 2016
Chapter 7: when to back down
This chapter could also be called "the story of the bell" for reasons I'll explain later.
I have built up to this chapter in several places as I have urged keeping the happy couple happy while preserving relationships and avoiding hurt feelings. I found this happened easiest and best for me whenever I would back down.
I had very strong opinions about what the baby girl's wedding should and should not look like and what it should and should not contain.
Many of those opinions came from my desire to include people who I felt were most important in the equation. Some of the opinions came via things I had seen and liked. Or didn't like. The ones that got me in the most trouble with the bride were the ones I camped on via tradition.
I love tradition. This is not to say the bride is opposed to tradition but at one point she did declare" somebody has got to put Momma on a short leash."
Initially, I was more amused than offended but that changed. One idea after another was shut down. The wedding planner, my sisters, the father-of-the-bride, over time, sided with her on many of my ideas. It finally occurred to me that maybe the ideas were not so bad, I just had way too many of them.
That's when I realized that backing down was in order. Whether or not we used table runners was of no real importance in the grand scheme of things. That I loathe eucalyptus and the bride clearly favored it for her bouquet, also not a thing to be stressed about. Note that it says: "her bouquet" because that is what I said to myself over and over again.
"It's her bouquet" and "it's her music" and it's her wedding" became words that played over and over in my head. Do if you hear that I wanted a orchestra or the Rockettes at the wedding, that is a huge exaggeration. I did want there to be live music but I would have been satisfied with a stringed quartet.
And I may have mentioned a children't choir, but that was just in passing.
I did think that the bride should have included all the children in her own and the grooms family that cared to participate even if it meant carrying a sign that said "and they lived happily ever after." ("Mom, I do not want people running around my wedding with signs" said she) and I did think she should have a church wedding. But I backed off all of that and fairly quickly, I might add.
Where I dug in my heels is in the case of the aforementioned bell.
Here's the story: when the Hub and I married, a sweet little friend of his family gave us a sterling silver bell. I loved it on sight (mostly because I loved its source but it is a pretty thing.)
It has spent many a day and even more nights on the nightstand of one of the children when they were sick and too hoarse to call out. I read, at some point, about an Irish wedding tradition in which a bell is rung to announce the bride or to signify the pronouncement of the couple as man and wife. I was taken with the idea as my pretty bell came to mind. I went so far as to take it to the ceremony site and designated its ringer.
Then it disappeared; from me at least. It was no where to be found. There were several suspicious faces turned my way when I asked if anyone knew where it might be. Turns our it was hidden because a shutter near the hot cocoa bar. One of them told me. I retrieved it. Determined to use it. And then thought better of it.
Basically I am saying, I backed down.
After all, it was not my wedding.
I have built up to this chapter in several places as I have urged keeping the happy couple happy while preserving relationships and avoiding hurt feelings. I found this happened easiest and best for me whenever I would back down.
I had very strong opinions about what the baby girl's wedding should and should not look like and what it should and should not contain.
Many of those opinions came from my desire to include people who I felt were most important in the equation. Some of the opinions came via things I had seen and liked. Or didn't like. The ones that got me in the most trouble with the bride were the ones I camped on via tradition.
I love tradition. This is not to say the bride is opposed to tradition but at one point she did declare" somebody has got to put Momma on a short leash."
Initially, I was more amused than offended but that changed. One idea after another was shut down. The wedding planner, my sisters, the father-of-the-bride, over time, sided with her on many of my ideas. It finally occurred to me that maybe the ideas were not so bad, I just had way too many of them.
That's when I realized that backing down was in order. Whether or not we used table runners was of no real importance in the grand scheme of things. That I loathe eucalyptus and the bride clearly favored it for her bouquet, also not a thing to be stressed about. Note that it says: "her bouquet" because that is what I said to myself over and over again.
"It's her bouquet" and "it's her music" and it's her wedding" became words that played over and over in my head. Do if you hear that I wanted a orchestra or the Rockettes at the wedding, that is a huge exaggeration. I did want there to be live music but I would have been satisfied with a stringed quartet.
And I may have mentioned a children't choir, but that was just in passing.
I did think that the bride should have included all the children in her own and the grooms family that cared to participate even if it meant carrying a sign that said "and they lived happily ever after." ("Mom, I do not want people running around my wedding with signs" said she) and I did think she should have a church wedding. But I backed off all of that and fairly quickly, I might add.
Where I dug in my heels is in the case of the aforementioned bell.
Here's the story: when the Hub and I married, a sweet little friend of his family gave us a sterling silver bell. I loved it on sight (mostly because I loved its source but it is a pretty thing.)
It has spent many a day and even more nights on the nightstand of one of the children when they were sick and too hoarse to call out. I read, at some point, about an Irish wedding tradition in which a bell is rung to announce the bride or to signify the pronouncement of the couple as man and wife. I was taken with the idea as my pretty bell came to mind. I went so far as to take it to the ceremony site and designated its ringer.
Then it disappeared; from me at least. It was no where to be found. There were several suspicious faces turned my way when I asked if anyone knew where it might be. Turns our it was hidden because a shutter near the hot cocoa bar. One of them told me. I retrieved it. Determined to use it. And then thought better of it.
Basically I am saying, I backed down.
After all, it was not my wedding.
Friday, February 5, 2016
Chapter 6: figure out who you can count on
This is actually a life lesson, not just a bit of advice for those planning a wedding. Not everyone who offers help is sincere. And if you count on help from someone who cannot be counted on, well, that's not a good thing.
Now understand that a group of friends and co-workers I have frequently referred to as "my posse" showed up with irons and ironing boards and pressed table cloths for hours on end. They also took pictures, played music, and helped with everything from coats to entertaining the youngest wedding guests (aka: the children.)
One was roped into being the wedding director when it was determined at rehearsal that no one had been assigned that particular task. Another, who by providence, possesses the authority to officiate at weddings, did just that when the person who was originally supposed to play that role could not.
There were people who came through in spades; some were asked and some just showed up like the good samaritans they are.
But there were also those who offered or were asked to perform a function (mostly the former) who did not come through at all. Why, in moments of optimism or weakness (read fatigue and frustration)
I failed to make a "B plan" in case of non-performance I am not sure. Certainly, I know better. My life experiences up to now should have demonstrated clearly to me that I ought to have. I did not.
The results were understandbly predictable.
We went rushing around at the last minute trying to do what we thought had already been done and finding what we thought was already found. Both my husband and our able planner asked if I was certain these people/things would come to fruition. I responded in the affirmative.
I don't mean now to be negative, but I want you to know how important this is. In weddings, as in life, you must know who you can count on. And you must figure out who you cannot count on. This one is a biggie.
Now understand that a group of friends and co-workers I have frequently referred to as "my posse" showed up with irons and ironing boards and pressed table cloths for hours on end. They also took pictures, played music, and helped with everything from coats to entertaining the youngest wedding guests (aka: the children.)
One was roped into being the wedding director when it was determined at rehearsal that no one had been assigned that particular task. Another, who by providence, possesses the authority to officiate at weddings, did just that when the person who was originally supposed to play that role could not.
There were people who came through in spades; some were asked and some just showed up like the good samaritans they are.
But there were also those who offered or were asked to perform a function (mostly the former) who did not come through at all. Why, in moments of optimism or weakness (read fatigue and frustration)
I failed to make a "B plan" in case of non-performance I am not sure. Certainly, I know better. My life experiences up to now should have demonstrated clearly to me that I ought to have. I did not.
The results were understandbly predictable.
We went rushing around at the last minute trying to do what we thought had already been done and finding what we thought was already found. Both my husband and our able planner asked if I was certain these people/things would come to fruition. I responded in the affirmative.
I don't mean now to be negative, but I want you to know how important this is. In weddings, as in life, you must know who you can count on. And you must figure out who you cannot count on. This one is a biggie.
Thursday, February 4, 2016
Chapter 5: Don't forget how much relationships matter
I remember hearing the story of how feelings got hurt in a family I know because of was and who was not invited to a rehearsal dinner. When I heard the story, years had passed but the hurt feelings had not. I didn't think much about the story until I was in the throes of my own child's wedding and I realized how easy it would be to really do damage to relationships if we weren't care (and maybe even if we were.)
Here's an illustration: my baby child has a whole bunch of boy cousins. We discussed how this might best work and then started at the bottom, meaning with the youngest of these handsome gents in finding meaningful roles for them to play. I came up with the idea of him lighting the candles in the candelabra at flanking the wedding party. (for that is where the candelabra were in my mind, flanking the wedding party.) I bounced the idea off my sister who talked to her littlest guy about being the candle lighter in his cousin's wedding.
He called me a day or so later and said he would be glad to, only there was no excitement or pleasure in his voice. It was kind of like "I will if you really want me to and Mom dared me to say any different."
Apparently there was lots of discussion in the family about this (or maybe it just seemed that way to me) but at some point I learned that our candle lighter had been invited on a ski vacation with his sister and her family. What that meant, is that two more handsome young gents would not be among those participating. I am pretty sure they drew straws to determine who would break this to me and the bride. They need not have,
Upon being informed, the bride said the more she thought about lighted candles, the more she liked the idea of lanterns that could burn throughout the ceremony and into the reception without needing the attention candles would.I was still smarting a little that some of our family, who has always been very close, would not be attending the wedding. We re-orged the idea of who would be ring bearer(s) and how to best plan for who might and might not be there.
There was some scuffling (the bride and me) and some shuffling (the grooms relatives, the brides, various close friends.) In the end, no one had hurt feelings, at least that I know of. The ski vacation was rescheduled without the trip deposits being were not lost. The youngest cousin didn't have to light candles but was in attendance.
Cousins stepped up and volunteered for jobs including moving chairs from the ceremony area to create the dance floor. One of them walked the mother of the bride down the aisle. Just how much everyone pitched I will save for another chapter. For now it is enough to know that they did.
And there were no long term rifts or tiffs or fractured relationships the stuff of which becomes sad stories told far into the future. At least so far as I know.
Here's an illustration: my baby child has a whole bunch of boy cousins. We discussed how this might best work and then started at the bottom, meaning with the youngest of these handsome gents in finding meaningful roles for them to play. I came up with the idea of him lighting the candles in the candelabra at flanking the wedding party. (for that is where the candelabra were in my mind, flanking the wedding party.) I bounced the idea off my sister who talked to her littlest guy about being the candle lighter in his cousin's wedding.
He called me a day or so later and said he would be glad to, only there was no excitement or pleasure in his voice. It was kind of like "I will if you really want me to and Mom dared me to say any different."
Apparently there was lots of discussion in the family about this (or maybe it just seemed that way to me) but at some point I learned that our candle lighter had been invited on a ski vacation with his sister and her family. What that meant, is that two more handsome young gents would not be among those participating. I am pretty sure they drew straws to determine who would break this to me and the bride. They need not have,
Upon being informed, the bride said the more she thought about lighted candles, the more she liked the idea of lanterns that could burn throughout the ceremony and into the reception without needing the attention candles would.I was still smarting a little that some of our family, who has always been very close, would not be attending the wedding. We re-orged the idea of who would be ring bearer(s) and how to best plan for who might and might not be there.
There was some scuffling (the bride and me) and some shuffling (the grooms relatives, the brides, various close friends.) In the end, no one had hurt feelings, at least that I know of. The ski vacation was rescheduled without the trip deposits being were not lost. The youngest cousin didn't have to light candles but was in attendance.
Cousins stepped up and volunteered for jobs including moving chairs from the ceremony area to create the dance floor. One of them walked the mother of the bride down the aisle. Just how much everyone pitched I will save for another chapter. For now it is enough to know that they did.
And there were no long term rifts or tiffs or fractured relationships the stuff of which becomes sad stories told far into the future. At least so far as I know.
Wednesday, February 3, 2016
Chapter 4: communicate, communicate, communicate
When my best good friend endeavored to pull off an epic shower for my baby child she did something I should have take more heed of: she started a closed Facebook group for all the hostesses so that they could communicate.
There were 14 of them hostessing the event, so even with modern technology, inboxing, texting, otherwise messaging might or might not have worked. But the posts worked. Besides, they were quite entertaining. I know this because my best good friend would update me with who had offered to make banana pudding and who was going to do the table decorations.
The hostesses discussed cost and food choices, locations. Everyone was kept in the loop (if they wanted to be.) If they were not within the loop, it was their own fault because the loop was available at any and all times.
These smart cookies did not risk there being too much of one thing and not enough of another. If only I had taken a page from them and done something similar for those of us trying to build an epic wedding.
The shower, by the way, was epic. But more on that later.
Here is the problem we faced regarding communication or the lack thereof. All of those of us trying to execute what became no easy task worked our regular jobs almost right up the nuptials. That the wedding occurred on New Year's Day, exactly one week after we celebrated Christmas and all that entails compounded the challenge.
Our texts sometimes went unread and sometimes were misread. Sometimes they weren't sent when we thought they had been and sometimes they were mistakenly sent to the wrong folk. Voice messages were garbled or misunderstood. All of this cause frustration and costs us unnecessary time and money. Unlike the aforementioned hostesses, we did end up with too much of some things and not enough of others.
Worst of all, this was avoidable. So, the advice I offer here, is to find a way to communicate to the others who need information from you and from who you need information. In a word: communicate.
There were 14 of them hostessing the event, so even with modern technology, inboxing, texting, otherwise messaging might or might not have worked. But the posts worked. Besides, they were quite entertaining. I know this because my best good friend would update me with who had offered to make banana pudding and who was going to do the table decorations.
The hostesses discussed cost and food choices, locations. Everyone was kept in the loop (if they wanted to be.) If they were not within the loop, it was their own fault because the loop was available at any and all times.
These smart cookies did not risk there being too much of one thing and not enough of another. If only I had taken a page from them and done something similar for those of us trying to build an epic wedding.
The shower, by the way, was epic. But more on that later.
Here is the problem we faced regarding communication or the lack thereof. All of those of us trying to execute what became no easy task worked our regular jobs almost right up the nuptials. That the wedding occurred on New Year's Day, exactly one week after we celebrated Christmas and all that entails compounded the challenge.
Our texts sometimes went unread and sometimes were misread. Sometimes they weren't sent when we thought they had been and sometimes they were mistakenly sent to the wrong folk. Voice messages were garbled or misunderstood. All of this cause frustration and costs us unnecessary time and money. Unlike the aforementioned hostesses, we did end up with too much of some things and not enough of others.
Worst of all, this was avoidable. So, the advice I offer here, is to find a way to communicate to the others who need information from you and from who you need information. In a word: communicate.
Tuesday, February 2, 2016
Chapter 3: as best you can, cede control
I am going to go ahead and admit I had some really strong ideas about what my baby child's wedding ought to look like.
Like, from the time she was small I was picking out bridemaids in my head. I should not admit this but it's true. I kept a running list. Every wedding I attended I would come away with what "we" should and should not do when her big day came.
We discussed these ideas from time to time and sometimes even agreed. But while her tastes and ideas changed over time, my own did not. I found myself saying "but I thought you liked those" only to hear her say "I did, when I was 12." And so it went.
It made for unnecessary unpleasantness and stress. I've already established that in my opinion, this whole process is stressful and at times quite unpleasant, hence the title comparing to to childbirth. But when and where it doesn't need to be it shouldn't be.
Remember in the last chapter I said the best advice I got was from Glenda the wedding planner who is almost my relative? She was spot on,
It took a few rough days and tense moments but I finally came to the place where if we could afford it and it was do-able, I smiled and said, "sure." My husband of almost 40 years says that is something he learned to say a long time ago, hence the length of our marriage.
I kept reminding myself, that it was her wedding, after all.
Like, from the time she was small I was picking out bridemaids in my head. I should not admit this but it's true. I kept a running list. Every wedding I attended I would come away with what "we" should and should not do when her big day came.
We discussed these ideas from time to time and sometimes even agreed. But while her tastes and ideas changed over time, my own did not. I found myself saying "but I thought you liked those" only to hear her say "I did, when I was 12." And so it went.
It made for unnecessary unpleasantness and stress. I've already established that in my opinion, this whole process is stressful and at times quite unpleasant, hence the title comparing to to childbirth. But when and where it doesn't need to be it shouldn't be.
Remember in the last chapter I said the best advice I got was from Glenda the wedding planner who is almost my relative? She was spot on,
It took a few rough days and tense moments but I finally came to the place where if we could afford it and it was do-able, I smiled and said, "sure." My husband of almost 40 years says that is something he learned to say a long time ago, hence the length of our marriage.
I kept reminding myself, that it was her wedding, after all.
Monday, February 1, 2016
Chapter 2 Follow professional advice (when you can get it) and pray (a lot)
When we started wedding discussion, the bride to be made the
following statement: the only things I really care about are my dress, the
flowers, the cake topper and the chairs. That was what she said That was not
what she meant.
What she meant was, “I care most about those things.”
I can best explain
how things transpired by comparing it to that moment in the car when a group of
people starts to discuss where to eat. There will be a lot of “it doesn’t matter to me” and “I don’t care;
whatever y’all think” until someone actually starts naming restaurants. Then
there are lots of “oh, not there. The last time I ate there…” and “Mexican food
just doesn’t sound that good right now.”
That’s precisely how our planning discussions went. The
frustration we all felt is pretty much a given.
A relative of a relative, who is a wedding planner, heard we were trying to plan a wedding on our own and offered to help. I met with her by myself the first time. I looked at pictures of weddings she’d done and she looked at pictures of what I had identified as being what we wanted. As I drove away from her house, I had this overwhelming desire to cry. She had asked questions only someone who does weddings would know to ask. I had very few answers. As I talked to my daughter later that day, I realized that the answers I thought I had were wrong.
The wedding planner/.backdoor relative/good Samaritan, who I’ll
call Glenda (because that’s her name) said two things I won’t forget.
The first thing she said is “I pray over all the weddings I
do and this one is no exception.” That
thought got me through many a tough moment in the weeks that followed. I knew Glenda was a prayer warrior and since
I desire to be a person on frequent (even constant) and fervent prayer, I was
encouraged by these words. I reckoned that if she and I were agreeing in
prayer, Jesus would be there in the
middle of our plans. And He was…
The second thing she said is, ”at the end of the day, what
matters is that the bride and groom are happy.” Obviously I was working to
make/keep the bride happy but had not considered that the groom needed to be
happy, too. Oops.
From then on, I considered the groom and his feelings, too. I
prayed, a lot. And yes, I cried a little. Some of the tears were even happy
ones!
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